One Thing
This character, once that polluted my days in college, was a very peculiar potpourri of runny cowdung and visible unchewed corn bits floating about from cows that forgot that they were supposed to eat grass and not care so much about corn, with overly constipated dung beetles running amok trying to find an escape route to next pile of shit that they think wld save their puny souls. And man, how she stunk.
This visual imagery is necessary for what you about to read in the text as follows:
For story telling purposes and to protect her [ahem] dignity, let’s call her “MissOneThing” coz that’s what her nickname during her reign as a the bad-joke-of-the-year in our college vicinity. And that’s as far as I can do for her sake to be anonymous. I’m sure she cld be easily identifiable like a sore thumb that she is everywhere she goes, trailing with rotting rubbish. However, that’s her own responsibility.
She’s not a looker, of coz, as with those in her tier of not particularly smart humanoids. I don’t mean to diss those who happen to be good-looking AND achieve the uncopyrightable distinction of being ravingly dumb at the same time, but all I’m saying here is that the genre of humanoids with a lack of aesthetical abilities is painfully real. She is, by far, the most gut-wrentching, brain cell-numbing, genetically flawed, single digit IQ-ed, sexually unappealing girl with the best potential as the lactating cash cow in any circus freak show next to the tap-dancing, pink leotard-wearing bearded lady with 6 nipples that I have ever had the unfortunate luck to meet. Ever evAr…
This is the sort of specimen that makes you tell yourself things along the lines of, “And I’ll be damned for the love of Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the garden gnome and Stephen Hawkings… Why the hell ARE YOU even alive?!?!!”. You know, the kind of humanoid you’d expect the mother to have conceived her accidentally. The kind of accident where the father was having a lazy Sunday morning wank, shot cum right smack on the mother’s eye when she came into the loo to get some tampons. Like the perfect timing of a pair of epileptic synchronised swimmers, lo and behold.. she’s pregnant.
I met her coz she was my best childhood gurlfriend[Dee]’s room-mate. It was a random pairing up coz she needed a place to stay and the room they occupied together was the only one available at the time within her budget and looked habitable. MissOneThing ™ moved in the week before Dee found out about the place. Plus, I was ald in another apartment and staying with some immature Indonesian girls when I found out Dee was going to the same college as I was. Pretty disappointing, I know.
MissOneThing ™ had the aura of exuberant ignorance that I think is mostly attributed to her lack of brain cells rather than the lack of curiosity to learn more of the world around her. Her physical appearance is somewhat more positive. She was pretty fair complexioned, but pimples were abound on her otherwise well-oiled face. If you stood far enough, you won’t be able to see the buck teeth too. Like, 20 metres to the west. Nothing too horrific that a skilled surgeon can’t fix.
It all fell apart when her sense of fashion is a mix of confused mismatched colours, patterns, body parts and expired salad dressing.
One fine day, Dee and I went back to hers after dinner to find MissOneThing ™ on the balcony howling like a banshee on heat at the full moon. Upon entering the living room, we found, to our utter amazement and astonishment, she was actually “singing”. The song was “Big Big Girl” by that woman who didn’t know better than to destroy radio play. And all this was the era before Malaysia Idol ™ came to the idiot box (and idiots) near you. Every night thereafter, when we happen to come back early after dinner to do our homework, she was there, at the balcony, singing the same damned song. It was like some cult prayer chant that she needed to get out of her system before her daily virgin billygoat-slaughtering or something. You go figure.
The worst is yet to come..
One afternoon, Dee told me that she found the electric kettle broken. She was kinda upset coz her daily caffeine fix was interrupted. For a minute there, she thought it was juz a normal broken kettle thing, like what all broken electric kettles in the world do, being broken coz of some electrical malfunction or other. Upon closer inspection, it was broken coz of some electrical malfunction alright. The socket at the back of the kettle has a slight melted down look to it. So, she asked the apartment-mates. First the boy, since boys are more prone to being silly sometimes.. nah, it was bcoz he was around in the apartment (:P). The guy was surprised as well. They waited until the girl came back. She told them with a beam of pride that she put the ELECTRIC kettle on the GAS STOVE coz it refused to operate that morning. She got her hot water there and then. The guy gave her enough tongue lashings to last the weekend.
However, before we even got passed the stupidity of it all, Dee found the kettle socket melted further when she took another look at it before she chuck it into the bin two days later. They had to lecture the dumb bitch again about the possibilities of her burning the place down with her outright retardness and made her promise not to do it again. But nooooo… she HAD TO put everyone’s safety at risk with her devil-may-care demeanour.
We found out when we went to Dee’s apartment one afternoon after a day’s worth of shopping to find the electric kettle half SUBMERGED in BOILING WATER inside a WOK on top of the GAS STOVE. Imagine the black comedy of it all. If it wasn’t for the blatant obtuseness of it, I wld have laughed at the autistic creavitiy. We switched the stove off and interrogated her on her soundness of mind and she said, “My boyfriend told me it’s better this way since we can’t use the socket anymore.”
The bf was a second year M&E Eng. student.
It’s nice to see dimwits reproducing with each other. Gives you a warm tingly feeling in your toes, doesn’t it?
The very next month, she was evicted from the apartment and I moved in. :P
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
Tuna Baits Are Tossed
- Naiveguy replied:
There is no hope for the human race…….
July 28th, 2005 at 11:01:46. Permalink.
- cowboy caleb replied:
fuck that’s my line!
How does she live? Maybe one day she will forget to breathe.
July 28th, 2005 at 17:07:05. Permalink.
- justine replied:
She should start her own blog. They’d love her.
She’d be ‘femes’
July 29th, 2005 at 01:36:51. Permalink.
- naeboo replied:
can not lar.. i think her editing skills not l33t enuf ler. :P
July 29th, 2005 at 08:12:57. Permalink.
- duckhawk replied:
damn. that’s like .. i lost words to describe her. hope you never got to see her after that.
July 29th, 2005 at 14:53:27. Permalink.
- naeboo replied:
i got a great word. how about “spaztard”??
July 29th, 2005 at 19:25:22. Permalink.
- barffie replied:
OMFG! CAN I STRANGLE HER!!!!
August 1st, 2005 at 12:22:15. Permalink.
- yt replied:
Hi, enjoyed reading your posts. Is there any way i can read them all on one long page? :)
August 8th, 2005 at 11:01:22. Permalink.
- naeboo replied:
erm.. the short answer is NO. :P
the long answer being: i like it like this coz it pisses me off sometimes to scroll down too much on a site :)
the trick to ease ur surfing is to click on the naeboo banner on the very top to get back to the latest post… shld be aight.still,thanx for stopping by…
August 8th, 2005 at 11:16:56. Permalink.
